Heavy...

I have issues with my weight. I have side stepped this one. I have struggled with it. It is the one thing that no matter how much you want to hide in a dark hole people see it right there...plain as the sun is in the sky.

My weight has been a struggle since I was about 11 or 12. As if that age isn't hard enough with all of it's changes! My mom did not do much to help my image issues. She struggled with her own weight issues. My grandma (her mom) also has her own weight issues.

I chose the term "weight issues" over fat, obese, big, etc. for a good reason. It's not just about the size of a person...there are mental and emotional "issues" that go along with your size. My mom has since conquered the size part, but she still has weight issues.

When I was 14 my mom sat down to talk to me about my weight. At this time I was only about 20 pounds over what an average 14 year old at my height should've been. I think her intentions were good, but those words have stuck in my head and echo around in there more often than I'd like to admit. "Renee, I always hoped I wouldn't have a daughter who was heavy like me..." She was trying to help, but it was the worst thing that she could've said. At that point I didn't really consider myself "heavy" at all. I just thought it was my body changing and that it was normal. With the benefit of hindsight I can see that this was the beginning of my weight issues.

This conversation was just the beginning. It was hard enough with the typical mother/teenage daughter relationship. It was volatile. There was a lot of hurt. Not just from her, but from me. She told me that my grandpa (from my dad's side) didn't like heavy people. I was afraid that my grandpa didn't like me. I still haven't made peace with this one.

On the bright side I am working toward correcting my weight issues! I will not pass them on to my children. I am watching what I say when E is in listening distance. I am fully aware of when a comment can do when taken out of context. It is sad that as a 1st grader she already has an awareness of what "fat" is and has been called that by another girl at school. I am changing the habits of my family for their overall health. Not with just their weight in mind.

I weigh in on Sunday mornings...my good news for the week is from last week at this time I am down 4.2 pounds! Slowly, but surely I will change my life for the better and E will not become the girl I was. I need my Heavenly Father to help me, but that is the key...I can't do this alone. God is indeed there.

Sometimes I want to live in a bubble...

Old-Fashioned Media
I don't watch the news because it bothers me to hear how messed up the world can be. As a mom it breaks my heart to see reports of the things that are happening to kids...kidnapping, child abuse, sexual abuse and more. I never want E and W to be out of my sight again! While the news and websites like Fox news bring you current events they seem kind of removed. As awful as they are they don't directly affect me.

Social Media
I have been avoiding Facebook and screening my email more closely to avoid dealing with the stressful side of social media. Social media is more personal. Everyone sharing their opinions and views. Not taking into account when their opinions are hurtful. I try to avoid the parts of social media that are hard to filter. I removed myself from a social group with an email board because I could avoid being hurt and mad about the way I felt about decisions that I made. I know that there was never a personal attack, but the way that other people justified their decisions made my decisions wrong in their eyes. I have been tempted to delete my Facebook account, but am worried that I will lose touch with other important people who I only talk to via Facebook. Deleting most of my friends list would be going overboard.

As you may have noticed I am affected by the words of others. Words can hurt more than actions. (An explanation for another post!) I know that they shouldn't be able to get to me, but it sinks in and festers. I am a good person. I do not need to be jealous, feel small or be hurt by what is posted in my media network.

How do you avoid letting other people make you feel so small? How do you avoid letting the pitfalls of media and social media get to you? For those of you that have done a temporary "Facebook Fast" what was the impact? Do you recommend it?

I want to be just like you...

Recently I was asked to think about people who have influenced my life. As I started to list them I realized that my short list of mentors made a huge impact and most of them are clueless to their amazing contribution. Some of the women on my list I have known my entire life and others a short time.

Mrs. Murphy - my 8th grade geography teacher. She was also my mentor for my service class my senior year. She showed me how a single teacher can change a life just by being there.

My Mom – Showed me that even though marriage can be hard it is important to work through the struggles and honor the vows you made. Divorce would have been the easy answer for my parents’ marriage, but they have been married for 32 years.

My Aunt Rosie – What an amazing mom and example of faith. I have always admired her. I wish I was able spend more time with her, but when we were together I was always in awe of the love she had for my cousins.

Alex – For her wonderful example on how to be a prayerful mom, wife and friend.

So, I’m passing on the challenge…Who has God put in your life that has made a difference? Have you told them?

Nine years!!!

With our 9 year wedding anniversary tomorrow I thought this post was appropriate. Our big day was emotional for so many reasons...

I was young. I wouldn't change a thing, but at the time I did not know what I was getting myself into! I was swept up in the moment and in love. I was also 20. Legally an adult, but for sure not a grown up yet. This was the biggest hurdle early in our marriage.

My dad was there. This is the greatest hurdle of them all. When I was 8 my dad had a major heart attack. The doctors told us that if he didn’t change his lifestyle he wouldn’t live to see my wedding day. As the planning got farther along and the big day approached I got more and more nervous that this prophecy would come true. The rest of my dad’s story is for another post.

Family drama. My wedding date was picked a year and a half before the actual event. How was I supposed to know that Farmington was going to make it to the state playoffs and that my brother would be on that team? I was happy for him, but devastated that my brother chose football over me. It didn’t help that I was than emotional mess.

The main thing that I did learn from the emotional roller coaster of planning a wedding was this…

Josh and I vowed in front of God, family and friends to love each other through everything. For better or worse. In sickness and health. For richer or poorer. Till death do us part. It hasn’t always been easy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I am a wife. It is a big part of my identity and I can proudly say that as of tomorrow I will have been married to J for 9 awesome years!

Absense makes the heart...

Well, maybe not really. I've just been trying to get things in order and my blog was not at the top of my "must do" list. Although it probably should've been!

So, I will post a much needed post later. I did not go away I promise! It's not that easy to get away from me! :)

Guilty before proven innocent...

I want to tell myself that it's not justified, but have been carrying around a lot of guilt. I have guilt for not being around enough for my kids. Guilt for having my husband be on his own four nights each week. Guilt that I'm just not enough.

In my last blog I said that I want my life to look perfect on the surface to cover up the imperfections that are just beneath. I'm a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daycare provider, a student, a daughter, a sister and a friend. How do I split myself evenly among those parts of me? I feel like each of them is pulling at me wanting more and in order to give one more I have to give a different one less.

This struggle is the most prominent between my role as a wife, mom and student. I am in class three nights a week in addition to my responsibilities at church and with Evey's activities. More and more Evey's activities are falling on Josh to complete. He doesn't seem to mind, but Evey wants her mom to do girl-scouts with her, not her dad. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with them and I am not connecting with my husband. This is putting a strain on our relationship? I wonder if I would've struggled this much if I would have done college the traditional way right out of high school? When I am home from school the kids need me. By the end of the day I'm exhausted.

I have just hit a wall. There is more going on than just what is listed above, but everything fits into a power struggle between one or more areas of my life.

There are also some big decisions for our family on the horizon. That isn't helping the power struggle either. The most urgent of the decisions is where to transfer to finish my degree. My parents didn't go to college so I have no guidance on this one.

I'm sorry that this post was more of a vent and less of a lesson that I've learned.

My life is not a cooking show...

I love to cook, but am strictly a "follow the recipe to the smallest detail" kind of girl. I am not adventurous in my food choices either. So, to indulge in exotic food and fantastical cooking I have a secret love for the food channel. I love to watch them cook amazing dishes of food in their perfect kitchens (seriously, their spotless kitchens have a place for everything!) that have windows that look out onto beautiful landscaping.

My prime example is this woman:

Giada De Laurentiis is fascinating to watch and I love her food! She even has her own section of cookware and food at Target. I was very proud that the food processor I purchased to make Wyatt's baby food is the exact same one she uses! Her kitchen has a large picture window that looks out onto the beach...gorgeous!

I really want my life to look like it comes from a cooking show! Everything neat and orderly and in it's place. Matching dishes and coordinating linens. Everything listed out like a nice detailed recipe. I know it shouldn't matter, but it is important to me. I worry that people will judge me on how my life looks before they see how it is underneath that. I want it to look perfect so that they may not notice the mistakes underneath.

Even if I manage to somehow make my life look like that what you don't see is that 10 minutes before I probably shoved the big pile of paperwork and mail into the towel drawer. The cabinets are not organized. My linens do not match my dishes.

I love this part of my life too...life is meant to be lived! I need to take more time to stray from the recipe and try new things. My kitchen will never look like Giada's! I love my life. I love everything that the Lord has blessed me with! Even if it is (sometimes) cluttered and may not always match! I think people need to see your mistakes. It's what makes us all human. So, my life has mail that was stuffed in the towel drawer and kids who watch tv just so mommy can have 10 minutes of no screaming. I'll work on the bigger stuff, but that doesn't mean that I can't live my life.