Guilty before proven innocent...

I want to tell myself that it's not justified, but have been carrying around a lot of guilt. I have guilt for not being around enough for my kids. Guilt for having my husband be on his own four nights each week. Guilt that I'm just not enough.

In my last blog I said that I want my life to look perfect on the surface to cover up the imperfections that are just beneath. I'm a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daycare provider, a student, a daughter, a sister and a friend. How do I split myself evenly among those parts of me? I feel like each of them is pulling at me wanting more and in order to give one more I have to give a different one less.

This struggle is the most prominent between my role as a wife, mom and student. I am in class three nights a week in addition to my responsibilities at church and with Evey's activities. More and more Evey's activities are falling on Josh to complete. He doesn't seem to mind, but Evey wants her mom to do girl-scouts with her, not her dad. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with them and I am not connecting with my husband. This is putting a strain on our relationship? I wonder if I would've struggled this much if I would have done college the traditional way right out of high school? When I am home from school the kids need me. By the end of the day I'm exhausted.

I have just hit a wall. There is more going on than just what is listed above, but everything fits into a power struggle between one or more areas of my life.

There are also some big decisions for our family on the horizon. That isn't helping the power struggle either. The most urgent of the decisions is where to transfer to finish my degree. My parents didn't go to college so I have no guidance on this one.

I'm sorry that this post was more of a vent and less of a lesson that I've learned.

My life is not a cooking show...

I love to cook, but am strictly a "follow the recipe to the smallest detail" kind of girl. I am not adventurous in my food choices either. So, to indulge in exotic food and fantastical cooking I have a secret love for the food channel. I love to watch them cook amazing dishes of food in their perfect kitchens (seriously, their spotless kitchens have a place for everything!) that have windows that look out onto beautiful landscaping.

My prime example is this woman:

Giada De Laurentiis is fascinating to watch and I love her food! She even has her own section of cookware and food at Target. I was very proud that the food processor I purchased to make Wyatt's baby food is the exact same one she uses! Her kitchen has a large picture window that looks out onto the beach...gorgeous!

I really want my life to look like it comes from a cooking show! Everything neat and orderly and in it's place. Matching dishes and coordinating linens. Everything listed out like a nice detailed recipe. I know it shouldn't matter, but it is important to me. I worry that people will judge me on how my life looks before they see how it is underneath that. I want it to look perfect so that they may not notice the mistakes underneath.

Even if I manage to somehow make my life look like that what you don't see is that 10 minutes before I probably shoved the big pile of paperwork and mail into the towel drawer. The cabinets are not organized. My linens do not match my dishes.

I love this part of my life too...life is meant to be lived! I need to take more time to stray from the recipe and try new things. My kitchen will never look like Giada's! I love my life. I love everything that the Lord has blessed me with! Even if it is (sometimes) cluttered and may not always match! I think people need to see your mistakes. It's what makes us all human. So, my life has mail that was stuffed in the towel drawer and kids who watch tv just so mommy can have 10 minutes of no screaming. I'll work on the bigger stuff, but that doesn't mean that I can't live my life.

Small moments...

I love small moments. The moments that make your heart smile. The moments that you feel like the decisions that you have made are finally producing fruit...

We have had a busy week. Evey had surgery, Wy had his screening through the school district and I had a big math test. Then to top it off we had parent teacher conferences at Evey's school. I do not enjoy conferences. Last year we struggled through them praying for confirmation that we made the right decision in sending E to kindergarten instead of holding her back. Tonight was an answer to those prayers!

E's teacher is wonderful! The right balance of strictness and warmth. She went over everything Evey was doing well with and the things that we need to work on. She was showing us Evey's 1st grade portfolio and there it was...

On a page with her "favorites" she listed the things that she loved:

Favorite Food: Pizza (Because it tastes good)
Favorite Color: Purple (Because it's pretty)
Favorite Thing To Do: Play with my brother (Because he's cute)

And the small moment that made me proud of my baby girl...
Favorite Book: The Bible (Because it teaches me how to be a good person)

You wonder if the lessons you're trying to teach your children stay with them or if they just pass through them...I am proud of my Evey and am thankful for the small moments in life that God gives me!

What happened to morals?

I am a big fan of the show Grey's Anatomy. I was gleefully catching up on a couple episodes that were sitting on our DVR. I can normally separate out my non-negotiable, deal breaking issues that seem to plague these young doctors.

I'm glued to the tv crying (because that's what I do these days!) and I'm listening to Meredith talk Owen into supporting his wife's abortion. Because being a mom would "absolutely kill Christina." I keep watching, but my anger is growing. Would it really kill her? Seriously? What about adoption? If she is so adamantly against being a mother why wouldn't they have done more to stop a BABY (in reality I mean a life) from being conceived. If Owen was so convicted in wanting this baby wouldn't the common ground be to let this baby be born and given to a family that would love him or her unconditionally?

I feel like people are so numb to the fact that abortion means killing a life. A brand new life that never asked to be created. It's not just Grey's Anatomy or even tv in general. It's a shift in society in general. A shift that needs to be reversed. Who are we to decided which baby lives and which doesn't? That is a decision that should be God's.

Shame on you Grey's Anatomy writers! I will be watching something else on Thursdays at 8pm. Well, in reality something else will be taking up space on my dvr. TV shows need to showcase characters with morals. Not make them weak and easily swayed. A show like Greys Anatomy is watched by millions of women and teenage girls...what is the message we want to send to them?

My identity lesson is that just because an idea is popular doesn't make it right. I need to stand up for what I believe in and am passionate about and not just go with the flow.

It's a mom thing...

Before I had kids I wasn't emotional. I could block out feelings and shut down to avoid feeling the feelings that I didn't want to experience. Feelings were overwhelming and it was just safer to avoid them. Sadly I learned that talent from my dad.

Then after an awful 19 hours of pain, nausea, blood and tears I was handed the miracle that is my Evey and my life changed forever. All of the feelings I was so used to blocking came rushing to the surface. The feeling of unconditional love that I had been so afraid to feel was it's own kind of miracle. Since that moment I have officially become a big ol' sap!

Now I cry over everything! I still avoid some of the feelings that aren't worth the anxiety...namely movies that involve cute fuzzy animals in peril!

Evey had a full couple days of soccer this last weekend. I am so proud of her and I love to watch her play. Most of the time it's pure social hour because that is who Evey is, but the last couple games I've seen her grow. This culminated with her very first earned goal! I was so happy that tears of joy were streaming down from behind my sunglasses. One of the fellow yellow team moms saw my tears gave me a quick hug and said "I've been there...it's a mom thing!"

I love that I can allow myself to feel life now and not always try to stay one step ahead watching for the moments I need to avoid. This morning as my first little miracle walked away from me into surgery I held it together until she was through the operating room door. It's definitely a "mom thing!"

I have been wanting to start a blog for a long time, but I always worried that my words weren't important enough to actually put into writing. I also worried that I don't have enough that is enjoyable to read. I hope that if you have found your way here that you enjoy what I write and that it helps you in some way.

Now to explain my title a little...

I am in school working on my bachelors degree in education. I have been told by three different professors that my identity is either weak, undefined or that I adopted a "ready made" identity that isn't my own. I don't agree with them, but think that my identity could use some fine tuning and a little more establishing.

With most of my blog posts I will try to establish something about how the experience I'm writing about concerns my identity. Some will just be experiences that are worth sharing.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines an identity as "the distinguishing character or personality of an individual."

I hope you enjoy this journey with me!