Guilty before proven innocent...

I want to tell myself that it's not justified, but have been carrying around a lot of guilt. I have guilt for not being around enough for my kids. Guilt for having my husband be on his own four nights each week. Guilt that I'm just not enough.

In my last blog I said that I want my life to look perfect on the surface to cover up the imperfections that are just beneath. I'm a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daycare provider, a student, a daughter, a sister and a friend. How do I split myself evenly among those parts of me? I feel like each of them is pulling at me wanting more and in order to give one more I have to give a different one less.

This struggle is the most prominent between my role as a wife, mom and student. I am in class three nights a week in addition to my responsibilities at church and with Evey's activities. More and more Evey's activities are falling on Josh to complete. He doesn't seem to mind, but Evey wants her mom to do girl-scouts with her, not her dad. I feel like I'm missing out on so much with them and I am not connecting with my husband. This is putting a strain on our relationship? I wonder if I would've struggled this much if I would have done college the traditional way right out of high school? When I am home from school the kids need me. By the end of the day I'm exhausted.

I have just hit a wall. There is more going on than just what is listed above, but everything fits into a power struggle between one or more areas of my life.

There are also some big decisions for our family on the horizon. That isn't helping the power struggle either. The most urgent of the decisions is where to transfer to finish my degree. My parents didn't go to college so I have no guidance on this one.

I'm sorry that this post was more of a vent and less of a lesson that I've learned.